Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
YAS. BRING CRAB.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
