Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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