either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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