Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
