If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
