Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
