I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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