it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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