I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
