i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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