I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
