remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
