I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Randomize
