I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
