Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize