where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
