i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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