I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
