The maid of honor just puked.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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