this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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