I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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