I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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