look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
