so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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