Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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