no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
