Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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