Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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