Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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