i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize