I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
