if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
