Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
