Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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