I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
