i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
