She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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