new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
