This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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