I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
