If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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