Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
