the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
