You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
