Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
