When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
