Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just invented taco cereal.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
