My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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