I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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