i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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