You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
