I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
