Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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