Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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