my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
