Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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