fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
