life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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