There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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