I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
should my penis look like a turkey
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
