My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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