Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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