Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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