oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
